Be Still

I hear Silence beckoning me to be still

     My mind keeps racing, telling me to stay active

                         Yet Silence persists

Be still

            To be still goes against my normal bent

                                                                  What will Silence expose?

                                         What truth will it bring forth?

Be still

Anxiety says, "You're forgetting something"

                                                       What could it hurt to try?

Be still

                I hear my heart beating faster as Anxiety persists

Lean back and rest secure in me

      Be still

                 I pray

       My heartbeat slows

What is the reason for this Anxiety within the silence?

Be still

Silence is unpredictable

                   Silence is broken in

                                       angry words

              shouting matches

      Silence

Silence is never peace

               Silence speaks tension

          Silence speaks discontent

Silence brings anxiety in anticipation of the next broken silence

Be still the Silence beckons

                    Experience the peace

                               Feel the love and acceptance

Be still

The Lasts

            The time is nearing for me to leave for Chicago for my one week training and then on to Houston.  It is hard to believe that the time for final good-byes could be so near.  Over the course of this past month I have been preparing for the move into my parent’s house.  Packing boxes and passing them off on a Sunday mornings or on Tuesday nights after my cell group meetings. With each box I packed the more real this transition became. With each empty drawer, closet or room my heart broke a little more for what I was giving up.

            At work I have been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing lately. For those of you who don’t know, I work at a childcare center with school-age kids. When numbers are low my kids stay with the Pre-K classroom and I am asked to do the odd jobs. Lately I have been asked to organize the books in our collection. This is quite the task, and in order to do it well I often read the books in order to know how to categorize them. Such is the case this last week. I came across a book written by Karen Kingsbury about all the moments of last that a parent experiences. The last time their child needs help with homework, the last time that they run up and give you a surprise hug, etc. Reading this book has made me realize all the lasts that I too have been experiencing lately.

The last time that I…

•       Slept in the house I have lived with my best friend and little brother.
•       Cooked dinner for 3
•       Wrote a rent check
•       Did my morning devotions at the bar or dining room table
•       Came home to the sleepy face of my dog and her excited howling when she realized I was home
•       Sat up late with my roommate eating cheesy pretzels and pizza as we chilled and watched some Netflix
•       Had an early morning chat with my brother after he came home from work.
•       Bought groceries with Megan
•       Carpooled on the way to church, the mall, or any myriad of other places with Megan
•       Did yoga with Adrienne (no more internet)
•       Locked the door to the place I have called home for 3 ½ years and drove away

I could continue on with all the lasts I have already experienced, and then there is the list of lasts that are quickly approaching.

•            My last day of work
•           The last time I sing on the worship team
•           The last time I go to an elders meeting
•           The last cell group
•           The last time I wake up in Ohio (at least for several months)
•           The last time I see my friends and family on a consistent basis
•           The last goodbyes at the airport

            With each of the lasts that I experience, my heart breaks a little more. With each last that I see coming soon, my heart is not sure that it can handle any more pain. But with each new last I still have the peace of God directing me forward, reassuring me that this is all for my good.

            Some one once told me that in order for God to move us on to the next thing it oftentimes means leaving something else behind. And this is definitely true in this preparation period for Mission Year. I am giving up the way that I had envisioned my life up to this point. I am letting go of friendships, as I have known them, and trusting that God will continue to form them into something beautiful. I am letting go of the familiar and moving out into the unknown.

            Even with all of the lasts, there is hope in all of the firsts that are also coming my way.

• The first time I step off the plane in Chicago
• The first time I meet the girls I will be living with for the next 11 months
• The first time I make my way to Houston, TX
• The first time I visit my service site
• The first time I visit with my new neighbors
• The first time I meet my new church

            In the end there are probably more first that I will have the chance to experience simply because I was willing to go through all of the lasts. I thank God that I have Him to help me through the lasts so that I will more fully be able to enjoy all of the firsts.

A Lesson in Humility

This last Saturday started off very normal. It was my turn to mow the lawn, I needed to give my dog a bath, and then I had to continue the packing process that goes with moving out of the place I have called home for the last 3 years. In the middle of mowing the lawn I got a text from my brother asking if I want to hang out or go see a movie. Since I am hot and really do NOT want to pack, I consider my answer for a bit. In the end I say that I need to do some packing but we could watch a movie at my place so that both things can happen. He agrees to this scenario and after finishing the lawn, giving the dog a bath and getting cleaned up my self, I begin to bring down the boxes from the attic. Who knew so much can accrue in a few short years?

Anyways, to keep this short, my brother ended up taking his time coming over and after all my packing it was close to dinner time. We decided that we would go to a local Mexican restaurant to eat. The lighting is a bit dim upon entering. There is a small room with several tables and a wall lined with booths. Three or four stairs lead up to a bar and another wall of booths. I can never figure out if you are supposed to seat yourself or wait for some one to seat you as there is no defined host/hostess station and there are always so many empty tables. Today we decided to seat ourselves at a booth on the main floor. We were soon greeted by a young man who mumbles and could barely be heard above the loud Mexican music blaring overhead. He gave us our menus and left. After he had gone I leaned over towards my brother and said, "I always find the waiters and waitresses here a bit odd." Upon saying this I see that our waitress was only one table over from where we were sitting and may have heard what I said even though I was sure the loud music would have made that difficult.

Throughout the meal I kept feeling this little nudge from within that I needed to apologize for what I had said. Whether the waitress had heard what I had said or not was not the point. I knew that my comment had not honored the men and women working there nor had it honored God. I kept waiting for the right moment halfway hoping that if I waited long enough the feeling of needing to apologize would subside and give me permission to leave things as they were. This, however, did not happen. Our check had been delivered and I still had not apologized. My brother kindly paid for both our meals, and still I waited. His card was returned and our waitress asked if we needed anything else. This was the moment! But did I take it? Nope. She walked away to another table to refill the drinks. 

The need to apologize was still there urging me forward. As she moved away from the other table I managed to catch her eye and saying her name asked if I could talk to her for a moment. This time I was able to get out the word that I felt the need to say throughout the whole meal. I apologized for the words I had said about the staff (as it turns out she did not hear what I had said). She assured me that there were no hard feelings and said there was no need to apologize. I knew that even though she had not required it of me, God had.

The words we say have value. We can either use our words to add value to others or use them to try and take away a person's value. In the statement I had made about the staff being a bit odd, I was not adding value, I was taking it away. I thank God for this lesson in humility. I am so grateful that He loves me enough to correct me and gently guide me towards a more Jesus centered life. 

My Hope

The first post. Hmmm what should I write. Over the course of the last week this has been the question on my mind. I had an ingenious idea, or so I thought. However, as I began typing, suddenly there was nothing. So I saved the post to work on at a later time. Then I came back a couple days later and thought surely now the story will flow easily. Being new to blogger I tried to find my saved draft and failed. So, I began again from what I could remember. I got out a few more sentences than the last time, but still the inspiration that I had thought I had was once again swept away.

Now I was getting a little frustrated. I began praying about what the deal was. After all, blogging should not be this difficult! As I was praying today, I was struck by a thought. Why was I writing this blog? What was I hoping to accomplish with these writings? The answer was clear to me. While I will be posting about my life experiences and perhaps hopes and dreams, I desire for these posts to be more. I want God to be at the center of what I write. So, I thought that it was only fitting that I begin this journey of blogging with a prayer.

God, I pray that You would be my inspiration for each post. It is my desire to point others towards You. Breathe upon my heart and cause me to be quick to listen. As I sit at my computer, guide my   thoughts and fingers. Use these posts to reach others and point them towards You. Thank You for using me. Amen.