Sweet Memories

                         Night came

        pajamas

                     brush teeth

                               jump in bed

       snuggle in

               then you came

  pulled the covers up

                 spoke a prayer over me

       for my dreams

                             for my future

               a soft and prickly kiss on my lips

                       (or forehead as I got older)

      then lights out

                         eyes close

             dreams began

       until the next night came

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is approaching quickly, and so I feel it is only right to post a list of the many things for which I am thankful.

-God, who often surprises me in the little things He does
-My friends who continue to love me an pray for me even though physical distance is far, they remind me that I am still important to them.
-New friends who bless me and remind me that I do have a purpose for being here in Texas at such a time as this
-My small group which gives me the opportunity to connect with other believers and exercise my voice
-My family who love me enough to support me in this new adventure
-Surprise packages
-Leaves that crunch under my feet (even if I don't get to see brightly colored autumn leaves of Ohio)
-That I am never to old to learn something new
-That God is not done with me yet
-Being able to provide GED tutoring in math
-Cooler weather (it is in the 70's finally and I am hoping it stays there or goes lower) :-)
-Good books to read
-Paint
-Continuing to discover new things about myself
-Great co-workers
-Meeting neighbors
-Granny Short
-My Guitar
-New music to listen to
-Letters in the mail
-Hot tea
-Fuzzy blankets to snuggle with
-Popcorn
-Transportation
-My morning bus driver (who is always smiling)
-The view of the city on the way to work
-Quiet mornings
-Gourds
-Pumpkin painting
-Fall crafts
-Hoodies
-Being challenged to grow

I am grateful for these and so much more. I am looking forward to what the future brings and more reasons to be thankful as the year comes to a close and a new one begins.

Two Questions

These two questions keep echoing in my soul

                       Who has power forgotten?

       Who is religion oppressing?

                  The answer:

                                             The convict

                                                      Minorities

                                    The poor

                                             The LGBTQ community

       So often I search for the easy answer

                  The neat package

                                    The ‘safest’ route

    But this is not what Jesus taught

                               Rather than easy, Jesus chose difficulty

                    Rather than neat, Jesus chose

the lepers, prostitutes, and tax collectors

                         Rather than safety, Jesus chose the cross

Why should I think that my path would be any different?

                                    Jesus

                                    The ultimate example

              ‘Let the one without sin cast the first stone’

Judgment is not mine to bestow

                                                I am called to love

                                                      The convict

                           The minorities

                                             The poor

                                                       The LGBT community

                        And more

                                       Who has power forgotten?

                  Who is religion oppressing?

                         It is anyone who is not being shown love

         Love is patient and kind

                                It does not boast and is not proud

   Love is not rude and keeps no record of wrongs

                  It always protects, always trusts,

always hopes and always perseveres

Healing Begins

                               The newness of everything

    reveals the hidden parts of me

             insecurities

                        buried emotions
   
      past memories

                                                       they push forward

                        threatening to be seen

tears form

                                      They must be stopped!

                  NOW IS NOT THE TIME!

                                   ...

       But when is the time?

                                      these emotions

                                           these feelings must be heard!

                      Stillness

                                 A quiet embrace

                                                   A sweet melody in my ear

             The damn breaks

                                         Water rushes

                                                           Healing wounds

                                     Refreshing the weary

                and comforting the broken

Speak

                Speak to be heard

                                       call out

              give voice to

                        break the silence

                                            declare

            assert

                    vocalize

                            articulate sound with an ordinary voice

        An ordinary voice?

                    Could it be that this is all that is needed?

                                My voice seems ordinary

 Should I not strive for extraordinary?

                                           But God called me in my weakness

                            before wisdom

                                      before gaining influence

            Therefore, speak out!

                                     Raise your voice!

                                                           Speak forth God's wisdom

                     Ordinary speech can

         be powerful,

                     bring renewed hope,

                                       Call forth new life

                           Speak to be heard

                           Speak to be known

Be Still

I hear Silence beckoning me to be still

     My mind keeps racing, telling me to stay active

                         Yet Silence persists

Be still

            To be still goes against my normal bent

                                                                  What will Silence expose?

                                         What truth will it bring forth?

Be still

Anxiety says, "You're forgetting something"

                                                       What could it hurt to try?

Be still

                I hear my heart beating faster as Anxiety persists

Lean back and rest secure in me

      Be still

                 I pray

       My heartbeat slows

What is the reason for this Anxiety within the silence?

Be still

Silence is unpredictable

                   Silence is broken in

                                       angry words

              shouting matches

      Silence

Silence is never peace

               Silence speaks tension

          Silence speaks discontent

Silence brings anxiety in anticipation of the next broken silence

Be still the Silence beckons

                    Experience the peace

                               Feel the love and acceptance

Be still

The Lasts

            The time is nearing for me to leave for Chicago for my one week training and then on to Houston.  It is hard to believe that the time for final good-byes could be so near.  Over the course of this past month I have been preparing for the move into my parent’s house.  Packing boxes and passing them off on a Sunday mornings or on Tuesday nights after my cell group meetings. With each box I packed the more real this transition became. With each empty drawer, closet or room my heart broke a little more for what I was giving up.

            At work I have been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing lately. For those of you who don’t know, I work at a childcare center with school-age kids. When numbers are low my kids stay with the Pre-K classroom and I am asked to do the odd jobs. Lately I have been asked to organize the books in our collection. This is quite the task, and in order to do it well I often read the books in order to know how to categorize them. Such is the case this last week. I came across a book written by Karen Kingsbury about all the moments of last that a parent experiences. The last time their child needs help with homework, the last time that they run up and give you a surprise hug, etc. Reading this book has made me realize all the lasts that I too have been experiencing lately.

The last time that I…

•       Slept in the house I have lived with my best friend and little brother.
•       Cooked dinner for 3
•       Wrote a rent check
•       Did my morning devotions at the bar or dining room table
•       Came home to the sleepy face of my dog and her excited howling when she realized I was home
•       Sat up late with my roommate eating cheesy pretzels and pizza as we chilled and watched some Netflix
•       Had an early morning chat with my brother after he came home from work.
•       Bought groceries with Megan
•       Carpooled on the way to church, the mall, or any myriad of other places with Megan
•       Did yoga with Adrienne (no more internet)
•       Locked the door to the place I have called home for 3 ½ years and drove away

I could continue on with all the lasts I have already experienced, and then there is the list of lasts that are quickly approaching.

•            My last day of work
•           The last time I sing on the worship team
•           The last time I go to an elders meeting
•           The last cell group
•           The last time I wake up in Ohio (at least for several months)
•           The last time I see my friends and family on a consistent basis
•           The last goodbyes at the airport

            With each of the lasts that I experience, my heart breaks a little more. With each last that I see coming soon, my heart is not sure that it can handle any more pain. But with each new last I still have the peace of God directing me forward, reassuring me that this is all for my good.

            Some one once told me that in order for God to move us on to the next thing it oftentimes means leaving something else behind. And this is definitely true in this preparation period for Mission Year. I am giving up the way that I had envisioned my life up to this point. I am letting go of friendships, as I have known them, and trusting that God will continue to form them into something beautiful. I am letting go of the familiar and moving out into the unknown.

            Even with all of the lasts, there is hope in all of the firsts that are also coming my way.

• The first time I step off the plane in Chicago
• The first time I meet the girls I will be living with for the next 11 months
• The first time I make my way to Houston, TX
• The first time I visit my service site
• The first time I visit with my new neighbors
• The first time I meet my new church

            In the end there are probably more first that I will have the chance to experience simply because I was willing to go through all of the lasts. I thank God that I have Him to help me through the lasts so that I will more fully be able to enjoy all of the firsts.